Death and how to live with it.

I sat down with End of Life Doula, Kaz Hamilton to discuss what to cover at the next Taco’Bout discussion. Death is the spiciest topic to date and I am honored to have Kaz as my expert guest. Helping people understand the inevitability of dying is her gift. 

My eldest son was with us as we sat on the floor of her Harmonious Heart office in Narromine.      

“Like anything in life, when we experience death or dying for the first time, we don’t know what to do. We’re neither equipped for it nor want to deal with it”.

“I remember when my first grandparent passed. In those days kids didn’t go to funerals. All this trauma would have been going on around me, sadness and unhappiness that I didn’t even know about, because for me, it was just suddenly that person just wasn’t there”. 

This prompted me to share about the death of my sister-in-law, and how I couldn’t accept it so I wrote her a letter – instead of saying goodbye at the hospice. My son who was only two years old at the time was very close to her. The next time me and my children experienced death close to us, I made a conscious decision to walk with our friend and her family on that journey. I then understood what people say about this sacred, privileged time. 

Kaz went to her healing. “I love hearing about what you learned. Whatever you are dealing with or whatever you have done in the past, do not judge yourself because we can only do what we know and the best we can in any particular moment”.

Along with her work at Harmonious Heart and the Western Cancer Centre in Dubbo, Kaz and her friend, Sharon Bonthuys, recently launched the Dead End Coffee Club, which provides a safe place for people to discuss end-of-life matters over a cuppa.

“The Dead End Coffee Club is really there to hold space for people going through whatever it is they are going through. It’s not just for those grieving a loss. A lot of us put everyone else first and find it difficult to care for ourselves when we’re not well. ‘I’ve got to be okay. I’ve got to look after this poor person dealing with my end of life’. Or even when it is someone else’s diagnosis, we go into a mode of ‘I’ve got to look after all these people around me’, but what about how well aware you are now of your own mortality? Where do you go to process that?”

“I’m not a nurse or psychologist or a trained counsellor. That is not my role but I am someone you can talk to. Death can be very lonely and very rushed.

“You might be lucky enough to have some beautiful nursing staff with the time in their busy schedule to walk you through the next practical thing like booking the undertaker, but having somebody to chat with about the process or to help you pass is also incredibly important”. 

The most important part of my role as an end-of-life doula is holding space, being the external one who is not emotionally tied to the emotional work that needs to be done”. 

Kaz is a registered mindfulness and meditation teacher, and a reiki and sound bath practitioner. She found these practices helpful when dealing with her breast cancer diagnosis in 2015. But it was the passing of her mother-in-law and seeing her feeling of peace thanks to energy work that cemented Kaz’s passion for holistic healing, particularly around death. 

Before we leave, Kaz plays her sound bowls and explains how each bowl matches a note on the C scale. On the drive home back to Dubbo, my teenage son and I talk about death and dying. 

If you happen to be in Dubbo this coming Wednesday night, please join me and Kaz for a one-hour deep dive on the topic of death and how we can live with it. Your ticket includes a refreshing margarita and a tasty taco.

You can get your ticket here.

And if you’re near Narromine, the next Dead End Coffee Club meet is at the Imperial Hotel Cafe, Narromine, on Friday, 7 June, from 9.30 am.