Finding Identity — the First Ever Taco'Bout

Where it all began: a cosy room at The Establishment, psychological therapist Renee Webster, and the biggest question on the menu — who do we think we are?

Two introductions, no context

We opened with a trick. Renee and I introduced ourselves in bare facts, no context: I didn't finish high school. I've been in Dubbo four years, moved from Sydney's eastern suburbs. Two kids, married to a lawyer. Renee: returned from the beach to her Dubbo family base. One child. Single mum.

We deliberately left the meaning-making to the room — because that's what humans do. As Renee explained, we assign identity to each other in seconds, and it's not malice: it's safety. A stress response. Fight or flight sizing up the room. The state that helps us assign identity generously is the opposite one — rest, digest, compassion.

"Identity was partly heritage, partly upbringing, but mostly the choices you make in life." — Tim Winton

Where does identity start?

Renee took us to the bigger picture: who makes these decisions in the first place? The groups, churches and sporting clubs of the old days; the policies written before we were born. She'd spoken with her grandfather, involved in local politics from a young age, who remembered an Australia where "everybody had a chance at a fair go."

We let that sit a moment — because whether the fair go reached you depended a great deal on who you were. The White Australia policy. The treatment of single mothers. We weren't there to talk politics, but identity has a history, and it isn't evenly distributed.

As filmmaker Warwick Thornton puts it: "Privilege is like oxygen. You don't notice it until it's not there."

Do we get a choice?

So who here thinks we have a real choice over who we are? Renee's answer was hopeful and practical: our identity changes by our influences — so we can change it by listening to ourselves and by changing who and what we hang around. (Look up the Reticular Activating System sometime: your brain notices what you train it to notice.)

But some identity is put on us — by perception, by culture, by biology. Motherhood. And in the age of the filter, social media hands us portraits of other people's lives that were never real to begin with, then invites us to compare. Though credit where due: some of Dubbo's most connected communities live in its social media groups.

Social researcher Hugh Mackay threads the needle: "We are all influenced by our cultures and norms, but we also have the power to reshape them."

Does a town have an identity?

Then we turned the question on the place we live. "I identify Dubbo with…" — anyone want to finish the line? The room did. Dubbo can be perceived as the town with the zoo, or the town with the crime rate — same place, different filter.

Is it harder to change the identity of a place than a person? Bondi transitioned. Byron transitioned. What happens when an identity isn't serving a community — how do you change a society's filter? Renee's answer scaled the personal up: much like an individual, you remove the filter and accept what Dubbo is and isn't — the good and the great. You start from the base of Maslow's hierarchy — safety, a place of home for everyone — and you build from there, imperfections included. Perfect, as imperfect is.

Imagine a community identity where every identity felt safe — where we all feel safe to be exactly who we are, and who we aren't.

We put it to a vote: pie-in-the-sky impossible, or possible? Hands went up for possible. That's Dubbo, as far as I'm concerned.

Take-home questions

These nights aren't presentations — no answers were found or offered. The whole point is to take the questions home: What makes up your identity, and where did it come from? Does it serve you? What part of your identity are you most proud of? What part did you struggle with most growing up? Which part is most important to you — and which is least?

And a few voices to carry with you: "Diversity is the one true thing we all have in common. Celebrate it every day" (Gillian Triggs). "Respectful dialogue is the cornerstone of a fair and inclusive society" (Julia Gillard). "We must strive to create a fair go for all Australians, regardless of their background or identity" (Marcia Langton).

Renee Webster is a psychological therapist who has spent more than twenty years helping people build a solid sense of their own identity, whatever life throws at them. This first Taco'Bout began a long collaboration: Renee returned for the Rejection taco, and later co-created Grounded and guided the nervous-system work at the Orana Every Woman Festival. First guest, lasting thread.

The verdict on night one, from the room: people here want more of the deep stuff. So Taco'Bout Wednesdays became a monthly thing at The Establishment — one spicy topic, one local expert, tacos and margaritas. About Let's Taco'Bout It.